my_lovely_life____haha

growing up...

I pretend to be so happy and strong when on the inside I'm breaking down and dying.

I wake up everyday with this bright happy attitude when I know deep down inside things are killing me.
I'm so scared of the next year. This is the absolute last year I have to play with,
to do anything, the last year I'm safe.

This is the last year I am a kid... the last year before I'm all grown up.
Gah

I'm scared out of my mind.

I find myself trying to want to do this (what i got to pcc for) for a living.
I find myself hoping I really like this.

I find myself crying to sleep everynight... b/c the only thing I'm sure of is that I go to PCC.
I have no idea what the next day will bring... not that you are supposed to know or that the next
day will even come... but I find myself worrying about if the next day does come what will I make
of it.

In may when I'm done with school.... where will i go, what will i do, who will i be,
who will be my friend, who will be there to help me.

I'm so terribly scared.

I have no options left... I really want to know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to know what I want to be. I want to know what I want to do with my life.

BUT I DON'T

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just want to scream. I want to cry. I dig myself a hole and live in it. I want to bury my head in the sand.

And no matter how much people keep telling me... oh well as long as you're investing in yourself.
or at least you went to school.

but..... NO ONE that says the things makes me feel better.
They have no idea what's it like to go to college for something you kind of like, something you're kind of good at.
This "major" doesn't have a certain job waiting for me at the end.

No one that knows me even really knows what it is i go to school for.
Only the people I live with right now.

It's not like the dental program where... you'll be a dental assitant after school
It's not like being a teacher, you'll finish school and teach.

You have soooooooo many things you could do. But not a one I see me doing forever.
I guess it could be a good thing it gives me variety to choose what I want... but I NEVER know
what I want.



Just to be completely honest... I see me being an orthodontist like I wanted to be since 4th grade.
since being in school I realize I really want to be a dermatologist.
Since being in school I realize that I love decorating cakes and i love psychology.

Being in college is about figuring out want you want to do in your adult years and learning the skills you need to do that.

OK.... so now that have a better idea of what I like...
I have no money or time to go to school to do that.

I really do want... or rather I could see me being an orthodotist, dermatologist, cake decorator, or something with psychology.

BUT FUCK ME

I can't.

I do like HTML and Flash and dreamweaver.... but to do web for a living I need more school.

HOW..... I have no money...

I'm so burnt out on school.


omg....

out of money out of time out of options.... what to do.

My rope is buring at both ends.

I'm dying... this is killing me...

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:09 AM