i'm so sick of being disappointed. seriously. i hate that feeling, and i'm over it.
it's lame. i don't have time. really.
i try to be nice. i feel like i am a decent person, but apparently i have done something terribly wrong.
life could be way worse... i really do know that. i am very very appreciative of what i have.
but i'm over it.
something else.
sometimes i honestly want to be a hermit. live alone and see no one.
b/c then i only 100% depend on myself & have to deal with myself.
i miss having someone that understands. i am sick of feeling alone in a room full of people.
i want to just let loose, not care.... and just have fun again. i do have fun. i really love things right now.
but nothing's the same.
but it's like i'm done. i grew up... now this is the rest of my life.
not everyone else.
no one understands. they try & sympathize, but it isn't the same.
everything changes. everyone changes.
i guess i never expected so many close people all at once. but you'd think i'd know by now.
that anyone i am close too.... eventually does a 180 at some point.
i going to try my best to be supportive of these changes. these people have been here for me ... in my lowest & highest.
i feel i owe it to them & myself to try to go at this positively.
good for you.
good for anyone who knows themselves & can/will/or is ready for change.
i want change... i fell stuck.
sometimes i just wish i felt like if i did find the change i feel is necessary... that someone would be there for me.
i'm everyone's best friend. i'm flattered really. i love all my friends... i know of at least 4 or more that would consider me a bff. i honestly can share myself & be that close with that many people. but things change so fast... i just hope that at least one of them can really be there for me.
not in any way do i think they aren't there for me.
but as they change, life changes, people grow.... i hope that i can still have someone.
i have issues. i know. i'm scared to death of being completely alone, but then again i want to be alone b/c i don't think i could put everything into 1 person... bc if that person changed their mind... it could ruin me.
i'm scared that if i feel that i have 1 friend that can be there... then that 1 time i need them the most they won't be there... or out of the blue they'll just be gone.
i think this is why i can't commit to anything. why marrage is so scary.
to need someone is scary.
to need somone and them not be there is even more scary.
i guess the worst part is that everytime a lose someone close i find someone knew. i am an easy person to get along with & i always make new friends.
but i don't meet anyone knew. school & partime jobs have really helped with this.... i meet no new people... & as people in my life may leave i don't an opportunity for new ones to come in.
but i guess the world isn't ending. i'll be fine.
it just seems like everyone is able to grow, change, find new things, find things that make them happy....
i am happy for my friends. really. i love to see my friends happy. but i feel like i do none of the above.
i am okay though. i just feel down sometimes... mostly when i worry about the future.
i am only guaranteed right now. so i'm going to try to just live it up.
i hope to make the summer great.... even if i work a full time job. & most of my friends dont hang out with me.
<3
make things the best you can.
posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 12:59 AM
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