my_lovely_life____haha

project for my compositing class

I just got my first project in my compositing class...

we have to take a picture then model a 3d object that might be in the picture and then make it look like it was.
It's a practice for us to put 2d and 3d together and make it look like it fits!

I NEED IDEAS! any cool ideas?

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 11:25 AM 1 comments

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH

SIGH

I need to be better..... better at everything!


school was going well..... until now!!!!!

gah!


need new bands to listen too any suggestions

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 2:27 PM 3 comments

oh dear.... MUST STAY HAPPY! MUST STAY HAPPY

ACK! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The realization that school starts tomorrow is just sinking in.... along with the pressure!
oh dear

I can't feel down.... I can't.

school makes me feel terrible. The pressure to be good... the pressure to be great. omg
I feel sick.

I hope I can focus, try hard, do my best, and be great!!

gah. I'm so good at studying and memorization... and that's not what my program is about.
man.
I'm burnt out.

The pressure to be better than everyone else is getting to me. In this field you have to be great.

I really feel an anxiety attack coming on.

I just need to breathe, calm down, and be happy about the good things!

*******looking for new bands to listen too...... any suggestions**********

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 3:47 PM 1 comments

wow... me happy.... who would have thought

wow! I'm a having a pretty good day! yay
Me and my room mates made a new friend!!! <3
We hung out 2 nights in a row! awesome!

nothing like new people keeping you entertained... then you don' think about all the things bothering you!


School tomorrow=sour! yuck!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 3:02 PM 0 comments

GAH!!!!

OMG.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


I DON'T feel like explaining... no one would ever understand....
not to say i even understand.

I want to be someone else.... not me.

I suck..... to start all over and be someone new sounds like a great plan... to bad I don't have the funds or the balls to do it.
Maybe in a year!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 10:41 AM 0 comments

growing up...

I pretend to be so happy and strong when on the inside I'm breaking down and dying.

I wake up everyday with this bright happy attitude when I know deep down inside things are killing me.
I'm so scared of the next year. This is the absolute last year I have to play with,
to do anything, the last year I'm safe.

This is the last year I am a kid... the last year before I'm all grown up.
Gah

I'm scared out of my mind.

I find myself trying to want to do this (what i got to pcc for) for a living.
I find myself hoping I really like this.

I find myself crying to sleep everynight... b/c the only thing I'm sure of is that I go to PCC.
I have no idea what the next day will bring... not that you are supposed to know or that the next
day will even come... but I find myself worrying about if the next day does come what will I make
of it.

In may when I'm done with school.... where will i go, what will i do, who will i be,
who will be my friend, who will be there to help me.

I'm so terribly scared.

I have no options left... I really want to know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to know what I want to be. I want to know what I want to do with my life.

BUT I DON'T

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just want to scream. I want to cry. I dig myself a hole and live in it. I want to bury my head in the sand.

And no matter how much people keep telling me... oh well as long as you're investing in yourself.
or at least you went to school.

but..... NO ONE that says the things makes me feel better.
They have no idea what's it like to go to college for something you kind of like, something you're kind of good at.
This "major" doesn't have a certain job waiting for me at the end.

No one that knows me even really knows what it is i go to school for.
Only the people I live with right now.

It's not like the dental program where... you'll be a dental assitant after school
It's not like being a teacher, you'll finish school and teach.

You have soooooooo many things you could do. But not a one I see me doing forever.
I guess it could be a good thing it gives me variety to choose what I want... but I NEVER know
what I want.



Just to be completely honest... I see me being an orthodontist like I wanted to be since 4th grade.
since being in school I realize I really want to be a dermatologist.
Since being in school I realize that I love decorating cakes and i love psychology.

Being in college is about figuring out want you want to do in your adult years and learning the skills you need to do that.

OK.... so now that have a better idea of what I like...
I have no money or time to go to school to do that.

I really do want... or rather I could see me being an orthodotist, dermatologist, cake decorator, or something with psychology.

BUT FUCK ME

I can't.

I do like HTML and Flash and dreamweaver.... but to do web for a living I need more school.

HOW..... I have no money...

I'm so burnt out on school.


omg....

out of money out of time out of options.... what to do.

My rope is buring at both ends.

I'm dying... this is killing me...

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:09 AM 2 comments

oh dear

I'm soooooo blah. I went to wal mart and now i'm in a super bad mood.
I'm just sad.
totally sad
bummed
down
depressed
upset

gah

to feel.... anything but this.



I don't like me..... at all.

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 9:09 PM 3 comments

sad scared lonely

OMG I just typed all this stuff and it disapeared.i'm pretty effin pissed.

gah!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tears. I poured my whole heart out on to this computer and then away it went


omg i'm world is crashing before my eyes. I'm losing people i thought could never go.
Nothing is stable. I'm scared. I did go off on this whole long tangent about my friend jenni and how she changed
but i don't feel like talking about her right now.
after seeing everything i wrote just up and be gone it shows me how easily things can change
and how nothing i have is stable.
I'm so scared
I've been losing friends my whole life but the whole time i've been losing them.. i've been gaining new ones.

but at this rate... i'll lose them all before i make new ones. & no i don't mean i haven't made any new friends but i'm not making them as fast as i'm losing them.

i really upset about my friend jenni... but on top of that school is starting back in a week
i'm sooo scared of growing up. In 1 year... not even 1 year. in 2 semesters.
omg
I still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
gah
a little late on that huh?
i'll be in huge debt and.....
omg

i just don't know how things will be.

me brent & cory can't live together forever.
i really thought me & jenni would live together but she's changed so much and is moving to chaple hill with other people.
we had planned on it... but i guess things changes

things change people change and life goes on.
things are supposed to change.
but i;m scared of change.

i have nothing stable.

me and cory and brent will grow up and go our separate ways and lead our own lives.
where will i go?
who will i be?
where will i live?
where wil i work?

I'm SOOOOO SCARED OF GROWING UP AND IN 2 SEMESTERS I WILL BE DECLARED A "GROWN UP"

besides soooo many people in my family being sick, all my friends changing, growing up, and
soon to be in debt,... i'm lonely.

I'm sooo lonely. i don't long to be around people.... i long for love, to be cared about by
someone, to care about someone,
to have that connection, to connect with some one mentally and physcailly,
I want affection. I'm very lonely physically. I'm lonely mentally too.
I want that connection.

somethings missing!!!!!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:18 AM 2 comments

weirdness

it's very odd here. I'm back "home". the house that me and 2 of my friends rent. it's odd. we don't talk much. I miss something. I' not too sure what it is. But something here is different! it makes my heart hurt.
it's 12 times more boring than danville
I guess maybe b/c i know there is so much to do here and so many cool people. but here I sit in front of this computer.
at least in danville i knew there was nothing to do really.

I find myself missing many things these days.
I guess I realize that I'm growing up.
it's weird!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 12:32 PM 1 comments

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 5:15 PM 1 comments

more!!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 5:15 PM 0 comments

more!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 5:14 PM 0 comments