....
I am completely over absolutely everything in my life.
I have spent the past 3 hours working on a myspace layout that doesn't work.
wtf
am i serious.
I hate everything.
I am completely discontent.
NOTHING is ok.
absolute everything in my life is wrong.
I sit at school and do nothing.
wow.
for a degree I won't use.
I have NO money.
I am about to graduate and work 2 full time jobs at shitty places like a water park & some retail store.
wow.
I took out a massive loan to go to school and educate and better myself....
but instead I have
wasted
2 years of my life.
so that I can do something I could have done straight out of high school and NOT be in debt.
wow I'm so smart.
is it ok to hate everything?
is it ok to hate everything about yourself?
is it ok to hate everything about your life?
is it ok?
nothing is ok!
I'm out of hope
I'm out of luck
I'm out of life
I'm out of time
I'm out of patience
any little thing that makes me happy... won't be apart of my life anytime soon. If ever.
i won't be able to go anywhere, do anything.
I can barely eat.
I mean my fat ass probably shouldn't but.
i hate everything.... about me.
i regret everything.
not one choice in my life was the right.
just mistakes.
enough of this:
good things come to those who wait
what goes around comes around
what you do comes back to you
BULL SHIT.
wrong. never. NO WAY.
some people are just lucky... and get everything. &
some people are just unlucky...
and nothing will change that.
call me emo or depressed... i could careless.
now that I have a new attitude I realize nothing is right.
not one thing in my life is right.
I'm sooooo sick of wanting things I can't have.
I'm sooooo sick of thinking things will work out.... when they won't
I'm sooooo sick of kidding myself.
I kid myself about everything.
I'll never be good enough.
good enough at anything.
school lies to you.
your effort means SHIT.
fuck being optimistic ... it just sits you up for let down.
I'm soooo sick of feeling like something's missing.
I'll never find it.
I've felt like this for over 2 years.
miss people who just up a forgot about me or treated me like shit.
what they hell.
why would I want them in my life.
everything is total bullshit.
i try to be happy.
but in the back of my mind.... it's seriously so very sad.
my whole life is a joke.
too bad it wasn't a funny joke.
I have nothing let.
please save me.
I need something.
seems like blogger is where it's at .............right now anyways.
everything is pointless.
period.
my new out look & attitude is great. it's helped me a lot.
but
it doesn't change that I do nothing.
NOTHING
I go to school... i don't do school work.
I come home... I do nothing... but pet all our animals and watch movies
I go to work... and do the least amount of work possible.
am i serious?
what is missing here?
I can't figure it out.... not at all.
I want something... I need something.
I couldn't sleep last night.
is is lack of motivation?
boredom?
i can't figure it out?
I want to say something...... but I'm worried of the out come.
let it alone?
I'm not sure?
maybe this well take some off my mind
I hate feelings.
the feelings of loneliness... and missing something.
I've been thinking a lot lately... especially since I couldn't sleep.
I kind of miss Danville... sounds crazy b/c I wanted to leave so badly. But things were simpler there... boring but simple.
I miss touching someone one.
I miss comfort.
to cuddle would be so nice right now.
I've been thinking a lot...
there was this idea?... proposal?.... question?..... asked last summer...
it went sort of unanswered... not talked about... just left as is
is this a one time thing or more than once.... something to that nature.
I never really said anything.
Things weren't awkward... it didn't change anything.
no feelings
just friends having fun
now it wasn't the best ever... but it was something I hadn't had in a while
it was nice.
but was never brought up again.
maybe it should have been.
maybe it should have been more than a one time thing.
no commitment
not strong deep feelings
not complicating the friendship
just friends comforting each other
being there
it's been a long time... and why I'm thinking of this now is beyond me.
I miss you.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I'm lonely... and have been for sometime now I guess.
I'm not looking for a relationship or very deep feelings.
I just want to know someone is there.
I guess I want comfort.
why think about it now though?
I almost want to bring it up... but what would come of that.
I wouldn't want the wrong things to be thought.
I wouldn't want to change things or make the awkward... it didn't before.
but
I guess.... it's been so long.... things have changed so much... this idea might seem crazy, odd, or ridiculous to him.
I don't even know why I'm writing about it.
it seems to be helping me feel a little better... sort out my thoughts.
but then again... maybe he didn't bring up for a reason... and I'm being silly... like I couldn't take a hint or something.
I'd feel really bad if it was left as is ... not b/c we both aren't very forward about things and was worried/ concerned of what the other person thought and wasn't sure about the other persons feelings on the subject., but he wanted it that way.
then that would make me thinking about it.... well weird.
oh well
alone
and
uncomforted me.
maybe I'll write me more often... no one reads it... but it helps to "put it out there"
put it somewhere besides just on my mind.
