july 27th school
i'm tired of having all this time to just sit around and think.
i started thinking about school.
& about how scared i am that everyone might me right.
that i won't go back
no b/c i don't want too
but
b/c I can't make up my mind what to take.
i can't narrow it down.
I'm really bummed.
I went to York Tech today... I want to go to school.
i needed time off to realize how important school.
i realize.
school is so important to me.
i keep pretending to me excited about not having homework, but i think i do it to hide the fact that i dying to go back.
I am excited not to be so stressed. & making good money.
but also... I want to figure out what I want to do with myself.
I'm so scared that I didn't figure it out the 4 years in high school & i didn't figure it out the 2 years at PCC so what makes me think I'll figure it out in the next year?
POISITIVITY.
RIGHT?
YES!
i just have quit worrying and let things happen.
i think if i didn't have all this extra time on my hands I wouldn't worry.
everything works out
everything happens for a reason.
I'll figure it out when I'm supposed too.
PS
computers drive me batty but iphoto doesn't really matter. no bigger. i'll deal.
wait
maybe i'm just boring.
very dull july 26
i feel like i made a mistake.
now that I've had to wait so long to start my job I'm scared.
hopefully all this is down time
& then things will pick up
I honestly can't handle boredom
&
I'd kill to have a friend I just call anytime day or night & they would be down to do whatever.
I'm over this "bed time" crap
"I'm in for the night" crap
most people eventually don't seem worth the time
but
why is it that the people that are worth the time are busy and or boring
i love the living arrangement (minus the bugs)
but I've always hated rock hill
there isn't anything new in sight.
just money
I think being bored makes me sad or think too much.
July 25th
I hate & love rock hill.
for so many reason.
OVER MY FAMILY X WHOA!
friends... the ones I have are great & very close.
but constantly busy.
soon I'll be busy, but in my off time I hope I find something to fill it with.
I miss the whole getting to know someone part.
but
usually... that doesn't work out.
& by the time you realize who they are
you've wasted so much time getting to know someone you probably would rather not have around.
but everything happens for a reason
you live & learn
Soon working will fill 5 days of my week.
GOOD.
money$$$
is what I need to fix my troubles,
-credit cards
-loans
-bills
-boredom
can easily be cured with money
as well can i resume my shopping habit
which by the way... I'm kinda scared I'll become addicted
but i'll work on that once I actually have a problem & admit it.
haha
when is ok to be an adult?
when is ok to take your life & it's yours?
b/c mine was mine... but since I moved back it became my grandma's.
i need to live for myself
soon
so soon
it's werid
when I lived in greensboro I had like 3 or 4 lives
I had my Rock Hill life
I had my cornwallis life (which is a sad issuse... drama consumed us)
I had my party city life
I had my social life
in Rock Hill
it's all in one
kind of
maybe not
i'm so stoked on this job
& money
to be able to shop & pay bills will be GREAT
what I've always wanted.
but I'm yerning for something else.
idk
maybe it's human nature to always want?
but in my case I think not
I had a feeling 20 would different.
but life is weird & funny & unpredictable
not everyone's life happens the same way
mine seems way out of order
but i guess for me this is the right order.
I wish i had the guts to try something.
I'm always too worried about the outcome
too worried about what others think
too worried about what may happen
too worried about if it will work out
it's the journey that's the best part, the important part, the learning part
not the outcome.
but i guess until i know that
i'll be held back by what i think
i guess it goes back to me wanting to be good at something
something that i like
something that's mine
but i just haven't found it?
right?
maybe?
i'm not sad, or down, or anything
quite A-OKAY
bored.. & thinking
but I'm always thinking & thinking way too much.
JULY 23RD LIAR
so I went & seen my parents. it was nice.
i had lots to say about it until my mom told me what my grandma said.
I knew her being nice was werid.
she said I'd be starving with out her.... GEE FUCKING THANKS.
LIAR.
I had an effing job ... party city wasn't good enough. (no other place i applied too was good enough)
I'm so sick of this.
she's such a liar.
FUCK WARPED TOUR... I'm so pissed.
great. the 1 thing I wanted to do. Probably the last show I'll go to for a while.
I don't want her to buy me anything else.
I hate need rent money & bills.
this really sucks.
oh well.
SOON... I'll have the money to do what I want.
so then what!!!!!
it was nice talking to my mom i miss.
now
I'm a little emotional, but
it happens.
i want someone to be here for me.
so someone to listen to me complain & cry
someone to laugh with
someone to talk to
someone who is there in the worse & the best.
gah... just someone to make me smile.
man I really wanted to go to warped tour...& I almost have the money but I'll need gas money.
oh well.
maybe everyone can tell me how good it was.
! July 20th pt2
so today.. was a preview of the life that lies ahead.
(*minus work)
I think I'm under the impression my money will make me happy.
I hope it does.
I miss my mom.
I miss my friends.
I miss having fun.
& after talking to cory.
I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
bah humbug
july 20th
omg I'm over it all.
period.
I HATE my computer.
& I hate that I looked stupid at the apple store.
I'm sad & lonely.
seroiusly.
I don't have the worst life ever or anything.
I love where I live...& I'm in the process of having a great job.
so why would someone be down?
I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of every person who has a mom in their life.
I remember when I used to call my mom all the time.
I told her close to everything.
now
I don't even know her.
I miss her so much, but she drives me crazy.
she's a whole different person.
and as she slowy becomes sicker & her life gets harder... I just slowly disappear.
that's sad & wrong.
she's so proud of me & I've done nothing to be proud of.
I can't even gather the courage to go see her.
I can't deal with the fact that my family has nothing.
sorry.
sorry I'm scared to go see my parents....
b/c when i walk into the house I lived in for 14 years...
it won't have anything in it.
I don't want them to see me upset.
& I don't want to deal with me being upset.
I'd love to go rent movies & dinner there.
I miss it.
so bad.
& no matter how far away i pretend to be & no matter how much i distance myself.
it's doesn't mean I'm not sad, or upset, or missing them.
I feel like I have no one.
my 2 best friends... are barely here. they have their own lives now.
I live with two great people.
life is good...& I don't know where this came from.
I normally don't even think about my family.
I want someone to talk too.
no to judge me .. just to listen
to give me advice & their out look on things.
to make me laugh.
to make me forget there was ever anything wrong to start with.
I love the 4 friends I have here,
but I want something else.
july 14th
so I guess I'll be growing up in a month.
full time job... kid = over.
the money will be so nice
but i'll begin to lose my friends i'm afraid.
i'll be the only full time worker & all my friends will be college students with part time jobs.
i'll get off work at 9pm they'll be getting off work to study or already be out.
:(
I'm used to making friends from school & work & my friends' friends
well at work... it will be all "adults" married ppl & older people
well at school... i won't be at school to meet kids my age
well with my friends... i wont being seeing them & they'll make new friends
it's sad yet true.
i've experienced it already.
i never see like the 3 friends I don't live with.
the only one that makes an effort to see me is dana.
i don't want to grow up with out my friends.
i hate sitting in this house being bored.
i'm tired of going "shopping" everyday too.
the only place i go is the mall area
or to my grandmas.... and then we go to the mall area.
i miss having a social life.
i love living here.
it's greatest... really.
besides danville this has been my happiest living arrangement. <3
& things in my life are going so well right now,
& you can't have good things without bad.
i know that.
i just want to be sure I live my life while i have it.
it would be a lot easier if i had money to go out and do things.
soon I'll have things to do.
i'll be able to call old friends & hang out
going to monroe will be a more frequent thing.
i have to have a good out look.
i just know i'm about to go through a huge change in my life.
am i ready?
?yes?
i am.
i should enjoy my free time & resting.... b/c soon it will happen spairingly
July 10th
i'm kinda lonely.
it's werid.
i don't want anyone too close,
but I'd love not to feel lonely every night as I fall asleep.
I'd love to cuddle.
wow.
my bed is quite lonely with no one to fill it.
there's something else I'd love to do right now,
but it could keep me from getting a job.
I don't want to do everyday, but every now & again it would be nice.
& I did talk to a friend not to long ago that I know could at least get me some...
anyways.
fingers crossed I get this job.
PLEASE.
again tonight
I want something to do.
seriously.
i feel like I'm wasting summer away.
i'm so used to be being busy.
I miss rock hill before i left.
I miss danville.
I miss the cornwallis part of greensboro minus living in cornwallis.
i'd love to have a drink right about now.. maybe sitting outside talking/ hanging out.
or
actually l'd like to smoke.
most people wouldn't approve ... most wouldn't even think... i have before...
and since greensboro & heather...
well I've wanted too more & more.
oh well sorry guys.
not all the time.
the weekends or something.
but like i'll find ... the opportunity too.
totally not by myself.
ahh. oh well.
I'll get this figured out.
time.
i guess is what i need.
friends
I'm bored
sleepy
hyper
worried
calm
sad
happy
all at the same time.
I'm kind of lonely every night before bed.
it's weird.
I'm too scared of people that like me. it's werid.
i think I miss my parents.
I'm totally jealous of people who parents are a part of their lives.
I left my parents 2 years ago... to maybe never go back to them.
it's sad.
pretty much with out my grandma i'd be poor, lost, & helpless.
she loves me & does so much for me. more than people know.
my childhood wasn't too great...I had some really rough times.
I've been pretty good at pretending it was different or hiding it.
i'm over it.
my family has major issues. I've told them since the time i was little i would do what they did, I wouldn't be like them,
i guess in a way my consider myself better than them... which is wrong.
I'm trying... not very hard but trying to make myself into something.
but i stress way to much and I have been very fortunate to find friends to understand or have been able to put up with me.
it's really werid but every time... i get what I want... I realize it isn't what I wanted at all.
i ruin things.
it's like I think everything has to be bad b/c there's no way it could be good.
i have some good friends.
after moving I realized how bored i am.
i have 2 friends from forever & well they aren't used to me being here.
dana has always been able to make time for me. <3
i miss being able to just call someone & being able to do something. them be just as bored as me
or not be worried about someone else.
but with getting older life becomes more complicated.
some people say I just don't understand. maybe they are right. maybe not.
i understand.
really
but it doesn't change the fact that i have nothing to do
but i guess I'm the one that can change that.
but i don't
all my fault.
i hope i find friends.
i want a soical life.
i'd like to have fun.
i'd like to laugh and giggle.
i'd like to have someone to make me smile.
but i usually just turn those away.
i'm werid.
i'm scared.
