why did i wait till now
I think I just realized i don't want to move.
i forgot.
i totally hate rock hill.
fuck
oh well.
only plus is dana.
seriously.
wtf
my family is so sick.
i have few other friends.
i hope rock hill doesn't equal drama.
please.
everything happens for a reason.
right?
i think i just realized there's nothing to go back too.
i know i've made friends since leaving... but i'm going back to nothing.
I'm scared.
wow... complicated
so apparently my dad is sick?
I'm losing everything i have or pushing it away.
I honestly suck at life.
everyone thinks I'm doing just fine and making something with my life.
my goals are internet and cable in place where i can afford to live & with out bugs.
what a goal.
why do they all have to be sick?
i need them... I'm too scared to tell them.
b/c apparently i'm they're hope.
my mom says I'm the only thing she right,
if she could actually see me i think I would be letting her down.
i'm nothing to be proud of.
yeah sure there's people out there that are way worse off..
but for the fortune and opportunities i've been given
i sure haven't used them.
i'm sorry.
to everyone.
i lie to my family and push them away.
then to top it off someone else finds something in me
and what do i do?
just ruin it.
just not care.
i feel so mean
but i can't help it... it's not how i feel.
please tell me this is the part in my life where i start to out things back together.
my life
this is what i want to do:
palebird
thinking allowed
http://www.thinkingallowedgraphics.com since the link won't work
studio akt
i wish i had the balls to do it.
... i think it's true
I’m drunk off your kiss
For another night in a row
This is becoming too routine for me
But I did not mean to lead you on
And it’s all right to pretend
That we still talk
It’s just for show, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart
Just maybe
You need this
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on
You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)
Please tell me everything,
That you think that I should know
About all the plans you made
When I was nowhere to be found
And it’s all right to forget
That we still talk
Its just for fun, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart
Cuz maybe you need this
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on
You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)
Just maybe you need this
You need this…
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on
You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you
i listened to this song today for the first time in a long time.
it reminded me ... of you.
I'm scared it will become the truth.
it's to easy for me to blow things off...
to easy to hurt someone before I get hurt
???
I am in the shittiest mood ever.
It seems like the only person I still understand is Dana.
&
"this" is just a lot more work than anything else... really
i think?
I want more..
more!
i could start a life here... but it isn't the one I WANT.
i'm scared that in rock hill I'm going to make nothing.
i thought this was onset by the fact that i don't know where I'm going to live... NOPE.
i'm not sure.
i was having a really good day.
I've been really happy.
happier than ever....
but why isn't this enough
I'm lost.
I hope someone finds me.
life
i want my life to be
more than a part time job where i work full time hours
more than a few myspace messages
more than a live journal comment
more than sleeping in until time to go to work
more than working until time to go home & sleep
i've just started a life here & i'm leaving.
no it's not what i had in mind but it's what i made.
friends & a job?
does that count as life?
sleep til work ...work till sleep
see friends on days off
i don't think this is exactly what i feel like life should be.
but then again i'm only 20 and should enjoy it?
right?
i want a job that i enjoy...
i want to create.
out
again
i'm going to try this again.
sorry from the beginning is no way to start.
this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
why can't i see anything besides the out come?
that's all i worry about.
all i do is think.
think
&
over think.
when i was younger i think... i was tought to think to much.
sometimes
not thinking is a good thing.
i know i think too much.
when all you think about is the fact that all you're doing is thinking about what is going on that minute .... well that's too much.
seriously... if i'd just do what i want instead of thinking about what "should" be done
then
i'd be a lot happier
but for me it's sometimes just too hard to not think.
only in certain cases.
i don't know why i've gone back to thinking.
oh my.
i'm trying.
this is going to take a little more effort on my part.
but
i will.
sleep... isn't coming easy
i never like to think about the rest of my life.
right now it seems to be going no where.
i'm so scared that leaving is going to make things worse.
but staying wouldn't be right either.
it's the fact that everything here is kind of in place
where as moving would be starting over.
where will i work?
how will i make money.. enough money?
why can't i be strong?
why can't i do this?
why am i worrying now?
i mean why worry.
everything happens for a reason.
i'm stuck.
it's time to grow up!
right now.
but yet i still have nothing figured out about myself.
i'd just like to know what i want.
why don't i know what i want?
life is too short to dwell.
i'm scared i'm leaving for no reason at all.
yes my mom is sick. but now i'm scared to go see her.
fuck
why am i so scared of bugs.
well the truth is... i don't want to make any of my families problems worse. and i don't want to see them doing badly.
i'm a horrible person.
all i think about is myself when it comes to my family.
i'm scared i'm going to move and become depressed & down.
i'm scared it will be worse than anything that could/ did happen here.
what's a few weeks there until i get myself together?
it's ok?
right?
i want a hug.
i hope i'm making the right decision.
i think this would be so much easier if i had 1 thing figured out.
1 thing.
if only
i've been wanting it for so long
to have it would be great
it's been so long
but
for it to mean something would be.... i don't have a word for it
there is no point to who...
just that it's totally meaningful
I'm scared that'll never happen
why do i wait till time for big changes to find something good?
or the possibility of something... anything
something that wasn't there before
it's so easy to fall into bad habits
or old habits
but new ones bring so much more energy
everything happens for a reason
&
sometimes i'd like to wait long enough to just see if it's more than just something i'm leaving behind
