my_lovely_life____haha

WHAT A GREAT DAY....UNTIL NOW

This lovely Monday was going so wonderfully! I was very happy and cheerful, quite to my surprise. But trying to up load a website to the internet is a bitch to do. I've signed up way too many times and none of them work. I've payed twice to do this and it still doesn't work! But... On the bright side of things I found a new place and I'm hoping it works! woooooo hooooo!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 3:37 PM 0 comments

WHAT A FABULOUS IDEA

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 10:35 PM 2 comments

ummm gosh... don't you just love the topic of "LOVE"

Well after reading quite a few blogs about what love is , how it sucks and what not, I've been thinking!

To me love is 2 things just a word people use and a feeling.
Love is being attracted to someone mentally and physically. Not that you can't just love someone based on personality. I personally feel love is being attracted to someone, being attracted to all of them. Liking every aspect of the person; even the things that usually would annoy you. These things don't annoy you coming from this person. You like every thing about them. Being in love with someone is loving/ liking all of them. NOT be able to get enough of them. Wanting to be with them whenever possible. You like they way the talk, the way they complain, they way they smile, their eyes, you like all the good things and the bad things about this person. You find every thing they do and everything they say attractive, alluring, just something you can't get enough of.

Well I said in a comment Stezie's blog about how I say I won't get married, but if I found the right person I would. Well DUH I forgot the whole reason I said I wouldn't get married.... the person you want to marry has to actually want to marry you. DUH I don't know what I was thinking! Hello you can't marry someone just b/c they are the person you are in love with.... they have to love you too. So that is the first and for most reason I won't be getting married. {People have always told me I would never marry... and If I did it would never last} Gee thanks guys.... but at least you're being honest. It's ok I don't think I'll find someone who love's me or who would want to marry me either.

Oh dear.... just me going on about stupid stuff

I'm off to bed now.... to tired and depressed now to finish

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 11:53 PM 1 comments

I stole this from George Clarke

The Permed Blog this is a link to his blog


PREFERENCES:
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: oh definitely cuddle
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: dark or milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: vanilla
***************************************
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? YES
HELPED SOMEONE? nope not today
BOUGHT SOMETHING? food that I didn't have the money for
GOTTEN SICK? no
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no but I did last weekend
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? yes with Cory and Brent
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? NOPE
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no
TALKED TO AN EX? nope...I don't have any so I guess I couldn't talk to someone who doesn't exist (I know that's pathetic....trust me I'm 18 and never dated anyone ... it's quite sad)
MISSED AN EX? NOPE can't miss something you've never had (yep like I said pathetic)
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? blogs
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? yes with Dana and how I'm doomed to be alone forever (at least it seems that way)
MISSED SOMEONE? OH YES...YES YES YES
HUGGED SOMEONE? NOPE I never get hugs
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? nope only b/c I don't live with them anymore
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? nope
***************************************************
Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug? no way in hell
2. Bungee jump? sure
3. Hang glide? maybe
4. Kill someone? if I could get away with it i have 2 people in mind trust me they would deserve it (that's really mean I hate i feel that strongly)
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? NOPE
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? definitely not
7. Parachute from a plane? maybe I would have to do it with my friends
8. Walk on hot coals? no
9. Go out with someone for their looks? no looks mean nothing to me
10. For their reputation? no way
11. Be a vegetarian? sure maybe
12. Wear plaid with stripes? maybe that's iffy
13. IM a stranger? maybe
14. Sing Karaoke? with friends or under the influence
16. Shoplift? no
17. Run a red light? i have
18. Star in a porn video? no i don't really think so
19. Dye your hair blue? maybe
20. Be on Survivor? I wouldn't survive
21. Wear makeup in public? yes but I'm a girl
22. Not wear makeup in public? yes
23. Cheat on a test? sure if i needed to
24. Make someone cry? yes
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? no that wouldn't work
26. Stay up all night? yeah been there done that
*****************************************************
EVER BEEN...
Arrested:been super close
Hand Cuffed: not by a police officer
Scared: yes oh yeah
Depressed: pretty much everyday
In Love: nope i guess not
Confused: yes all the time
In a Fight: yes
Contact Fight: yes
In Debt: will be in January
In the hospital: no
Drunk: oh yeah ..... yes
High: unfortunately
On Tv: no
On Probation: no
Under House Arrest: no
Grounded: yes but it didn't last long
Threatened: yes
Happy: ummm sometime or another once everyday but not completely happy
Too busy: yes
Hurt: yes all the time
Ignored: yes,
************************************************8888
EVER FEEL...
Ugly: yes a lot... although I believe I've gotten prettier over the years but now I'm getting fat
Lost: yes a lot a lot a lot
Forgotten: yes unfortunately
Used: oh yes plenty of times
Clueless: yes
Dumb: yes
Helpless: yes
Ruined: oh yeah
Pretty: I've had a few pretty days
Loved: by my family...Not someone special
Annoying: yes
********************************************************
ONE OR THE OTHER
Meat/Veggies: ummmmm hard one i guess veggies
Love/Money: love
Family/Career: humm i guess family.... but I'll be unhappy with either
Fat/Skinny: fat if i could be happy too.... skinny if I couldn't be happy and fat
Busy/Lazy: lazy
Car/Bike: car oh yes a car
Summer/Winter: summer although I rather be cold than hot
Beach/Mountain: beach oh yeah
Travel/Work: travel
Lover/Friend: lover although I don't believe I'll have one
Right/Wrong: right
Best Friend/100 'friends': guess I'd have a best friend
*******************************************************
WHAT IF...
You were rich: I would buy a honda accord hybrid, a kick ass computer, a nice house, buy my family things they needed and donate to charity
You were pregnant: I would be really sad if i was pregnant right now I would most likely have an abortion
You were robbed: I'd be pissed
You were deaf: Just keep living
Any one dream could come true: oh man I'd be the happiest person ever
You had one wish: to be happy truly happy

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 10:42 PM 2 comments

Oh dear.... why would I even think this!!!!!!!!!!

Well after some depressive thinking..... I think maybe I should have been a stupid girl, a stupid whore.... they seem pretty happy to me (beside them getting pregnant). Maybe if I were a stupid girl.... things would just be different. I'm wondering what my life would be like if I were a stupid girl. Actually I feel pretty stupid for even thinking this. When I thought about it earlier it seemed like a nice thought but now seeing it typed out it seems extemely stupid.
This is just really hard. I feel so lonely and sad, yet I'm happy / fine all at the same time. It's werid. Being here just really makes me realize how alone I could actually be....( but it's not like I don't say that in every other blog). I was thinking about Josh Gibson today... where is he? how is he? what happened to him? He just dropped off the face of the earth. And Josh Nessmiller crosses my mind everytime I can't sleep.... I miss talking to him all night until time to go to school or until we fell asleep. oh dear.... I don't even know the point of this blog.....

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 11:02 PM 0 comments

My HOPELESS LONELY existence.... it's inevitable

Seems as if I'll be HOPELESSLY LONELY for ever (at least the 2 years I'm here)... oh dear ......as life passes me by I'll grow into a bitter old lady who lives by herself and when I die no one will know...until weeks/ months later.

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:19 AM 0 comments

giving up on....this that is wasting my time and thoughts

Well I have deciced to give up. I said before that I had given up, when actually I hadn't; so now I do really do believe that I shall give up'tis the only option. So sad right now...should be sleeping but instead I'm up trying to forget and give up. This is much easier said than done. I waste too much time and too many thoughts like this. I never have been.... so never will be... no point in wasting time in this short life of mine.

What I'm feeling (these are lyrics but not the whole songs just the lyrics that sum up these horrible feelings)

I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside

I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

It seems like my world's falling apart, yeah
Why is everything so hard?
I don't think I can deal with the things you said
It just won't go away
In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You'd still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I worry, I wonder all the time why worry
It's killing me, forget about it

when i look in your eyes
and i still feel the same
i know it's hopeless
when i look to the sky
and the stars spell out your name
i know it's hopeles
samnesia, really need ya
i wanna lose my mind
in a place that i won't find
forgetting is hardwhen you're the only one
that made things easy
you're the only one that eases me
i remember the times
when my shoulder held your head
and i would wonder
how did they find
such a perfect fit
oh how i wondered(i never wanted to take you home
amnesia, really need ya
i wanna lose my mind
in a place that i won't find
so call me now
you know that you want to
i need to hear your voice
to talk me back into existence

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 2:11 AM 0 comments

This weekend was awesome!!!! STORY OF THE YEAR KICKED ASS!!!!
-well I have become more used to myself... sounds odd, But I'm quite comfortable with me.
after some new findings this weekend...I'm not sure just lately I've been happy with me!
-I got a new tattoo, and a new hair doo!!!! hehe! Pics later!
-I'm quite happy....really great... despite many stressors

~But i must say this
---It's like being has HAPPY as you could possibly be and being in HELL.
----It's like being the SADDEST you could possibly be and being in HEAVEN.
---It's like being so close to something you can touch it, but knowing you CAN'T have it.
----It's like knowing you CAN have something, but there is NO way you can reach it.
~I'm not really sad right know...but that's what I feel! Sounds very emo to me!

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:10 AM 2 comments