wow
so after realizing. your life can change in a matter of seconds.
things are hard to deal with.
like what if i had been in a wreck?
what i had gotten a ticket?
i find myself so thankful for what i have now.
but at the same time
i feel like a horrible person. i have pushed away everyone who has truely cared about me.
i'm a horrible family member.
i'm mean, rude, and selfish when it comes to my family.
it's easy to see that the only person that cares about your feelings is you, & to have pushed away those who care most, those who need you...
it's hard to deal with.
i found myself sad with what i have accomplished. i haven't done enough with my life to feel ok to die.
but then again.... if i had have died... what so great was a i leaving behind?
idk. it's kinda hard to deal with.
& what made me so lucky?
why am i so special as to get off free?
what was this a sign of?
why did it happen?
what lesson was i supposed to learn?
ups& downs
I hate feeling like I deal with everything by myself.
but i do.
it's not good to depend on someone all the time.
but i just hate coming home & going through everything alone.
I want someone to talk too.
someone to make me feel better.
it's werid.
I mean i guess every up has it's down.
great job great pay.
but i come home & all my friends are doing homework or getting ready for bed.
i mean if that's the only thing to complain about then... wow I'm great.
I'm upset about my credit. what's done it done. it just sucks to sacrifice for other people. people who don't care... i could go on.
i'll stop
things are really good.
way better than ever before... really.
i feel like i don't fit in anywhere.
no one has to be the same.
but i feel like i dont fit in with any of my friends.
I feel so out of place.
every where.
i do nothing my friends do.
some friend(s) i don't like anything they do or their friends
at work i stick out like a sore thumb.
i hate feeling left out.
i have HUGE self esteem issues.
& lately they have come back.
I'm so lonely.
i think there's something wrong with me.
has to be.
i've even heard people say it.
sorry.
i never feel good enough ever.
for any reason.
good enough to hang out with people
good enough to be their friend
good enough for school
good enough for work
NEVER good enough for my family.
it sucks.
i'm sorry.
if i knew what it was that was so wrong about me. I'd fix it.
personality?
looks?
intelligence?
out look?
opinions?
thoughts?
skills?
me:
lower in station, rank, degree, or grade
lower in place or position
of comparatively low grade; poor in quality; substandard
less important, valuable, or worthy
acting or performing in a way that is comparatively poor or mediocre
a person inferior to another or others, as in rank or merit.
mediocre, low-quality, second-rate.
it sucks.
I stopped this for a while... kind of.
it's always in the back of my mind.
but feeling left out brings it back fast.
unimportant in everyway
not needed
not wanted
unnecessary
ahh.
oh well.
i'm really lonely. i know i have friends & they are here for me.
sigh.
there are somethings in life.... i think i'll never experience.
oh well,
it happens.
i'd give anything to just cuddle right now.
sigh.
I'll live.
...yay
omg.
<3
yay.
sigh.
not to get excited, would be the best thing.
so I'll post it here.
yay.
just a little one!
I love hanging out with you.
this is great
so I just ran.../ walked.
I've always been embarassed to exercise. forget.
I feel good.
so I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy with my money/ financial situation.
I'm happy with my home.
I'm happy with my room mates.
so it's time to wip my social life into something.
& to be happy with my body / apperance.
I'm working on it.
now off to the grocery store to buy healthy food
fat
so I guess I'm oblivious or in denial?
I'm I know I'm not average size. I always have problems fitting into clothes... I even call my self fat.
But I didn't think I looked this bad. I have friends that are bigger than me... but they don't look like this in their clothes.
It's really gross.
I took pictures last night with heather... EWW. seriously gross.
I always just think it was the angle of the picture or the face i was making... or if my hair was fixed it wouldn't look bad.
NO.... WAIT WAIT WAIT
all my pictures have been bad lately... b/c I look bad.
not anymore.
off the run.
bah
i don't know if i like where my life is headed.
a full time job is a big commitment.
ah.
&
it's started all ready.
i feel like i have no friends.
actually... i have friends.
they are fading
it's scary
i'm always going in a different direction than anyone i know.
everyone's different.
i guess we are all unique.
:(
aug 9th
today... i've never felt more lonely.
in the past week or so i've began to realize i have NOTHING in common with my friends.
it makes me sad.
i know everyone is different, but no one likes what i like.
i don't do anything that my friends do.
i'm so lonely.
so lonely.
i want someone to be there for me.
someone to care.
i want someone to keep me company when i have no one else.
i want someone to make me smile.
someone that makes me feel good, ok, safe, happy.
sigh.
but that's so hard to find.
holding on tightly to what i have, but it's all slowy slipping away.
i get so easily discouraged & i oh so easily feel left out.
there's a gap in my life... & it seems to have no way to be filled.
i want someone to keep me company at the most lonely times.
like when you're trying to fall asleep.
when you're up set
when everyone else is busy... or has someone else.
sometimes.. it just feels like there's something wrong with me.
i don't like to complain about being lonely.
i'm not desparate... i want something true.
i can't fake feelings like that.
one of my biggest fears is being alone & more & more every year, month & day i see myself getting closer & closer.
it's weird.
i'm only 20.
i should have many years ahead of me.
so what's so important now?
i don't know.
lonely isn't a good way to feel.
i feel lost.
i miss feeling safe & cared about.
lonely... i feel it more & more each day.
aug 8th.
warped tour in the morning... I'm excited.
i was asleep... now I can't sleep.
sigh.
it's the story of my life.
lonely.
the the feeling is strange.
i'm beginning to have the feeling i had when i moved to danville.
to want the perfect partner, spouse, boyfriend, husband
is to be totally selfish.
nothing's perfect.
i'm still semi bothered about what i think about when i drink.
i'm having such a good time... yet mega lonely all in one.
i've been really insecure about my looks lately. i really hate always being the ugliest one out of my friends.
it sucks.
i'm not fugly or anything,... every once and a while i have a pretty moment.
i look werid in my clothes... all my friends look cute.
i want my confidence back.
i was asked a question this weekend that i wasn't really prepared to deal with.
i feel totally lame for only having sex with my guy friends.
it's not like i'm a huge whore, i haven't had sex with a lot of people.
everything in my life seems so much more complicated than everyone else's.
it's weird.
too never have been in an actually "labled" relationship with a guy...
is in some ways lame.
& well maybe a good thing.
i haven't done anything except for fun really.
nothing meant anything.
in some ways i think it's a good thing
no one has broken my heart
i'm not still totally stuck on one person
yet it's kinda lonely.
i have no idea what it's like to care about someone & them care back... or for that to truly mean something
i have my whole life ahead of me.
but i just keep finding things that single me out from everyone else.
it sucks.
i don't know why i write in this blog... no one reads it.
i'm usually over what ever i'm writing about by the time i get done typing.
i love my friends & my life right now.
although i'd like to be more productive with my time.
i hate going to sleep alone.
i'd love to cuddle or just get a hug.
sometimes i think i'm way too picky when it comes to guys.
maybe so i won't get hurt.
most all people are ass holes so letting someone new in... is like setting yourself up for disaster.
aug 45th 12:52am
lonely.
i miss fun group events.
i stick out like a sore thumb with all my friends.
it's sad.
well rounded is supposed to be a good thing.
maybe I'm too well rounded?
I feel like such a tag-a-long.
I get invited, but I go knowing that I won't like it, or be into it, or have no clue what's going on.
i'm happy & love my friends.
i do nothing.
the only thing i do is shop.
i spend my time on nothing.
well I'm not going to waste my time going on & on with this topic.
it's just such a werid feeling to be surounded by people you like & feel so lost & left out all at the same time.
sigh.
I'm really lonely.
oh
and i hate that just b/c i'm single ... that makes me the punch line of every joke.
every stupid ugly goofy guy that walks by... "hey there you go"
hahaha funny NOT.
so what if i happen to picky.
whatever.
at least i'm not a dumbass
at least i don't date a dumbass.
i could be like some people & talk about it all the time.
i don't make it a big deal... so other people shouldn't make me being single a big deal.
i have self esteem issues as it it.
gee thanks.
i feel like i bring nothing to the table.
i feel ugly & fat & boring.
so what if no one likes me.
I'm still living.
it's not like i meet lots & lots of new people all the time.
i'm really picky when it come to guys i like... &
so what if i'm too picky... i can't help i don't like the guys that might like me.
most of them have been drunk anyways.
what a way to help the self esteem right?
losers that are going no where
or drunk guys.
GREAT.
or the occasional guy that's just TOO NICE.
over.
aug 4 margie nightmare
seriously.... I am not the bitch people make me out to be.
I am only mean & hateful & a bitch IF you've done something.
ONLY.
Bah
how is it that a complete stranger can walk in & fuck my life up?
I'm over it. I don't like her; it's in the past.
BUT
I'm constantly reminded of it EVERYDAY. i hate that almost everyday something brings back a memory of when someone close to me hated me.
it hurts.
it's all over & we now know who the bitch is.
so i know i didn't like jackie. that was my instinct... sorry. But it wasn't her making my life hell.
it was a "friend" lying and telling the only people i knew that i was saying things I wasn't.
she was the one sending messages & IM'ing me all the time pissed about jackie.
she was angry b/c she liked brent.
i just didn't like jackie b/c of my gut. my mom taught me that if you don't like somone... then there's probably a reason why.
THERE WAS.
how did margie fool us for so long.
why did i continue to be nice to her?
it's not that all this matters so much now... but when I wake up with nightmares of it happening again...
i worry.
i get nervous.
i get angry.
i wake up all sweaty & bothered.
i'm typing all this to hopefully get all out of my system.
it's so hard to think that someone i was so close too, one of the only friends i had, someone that at one point i considered a best friend....
it's hard to think that this someone could change over night b/c of some girl.
how is it that margie so easily turned my life upside down twice?
i feel like i should have been meanier to her, sooner.
I guess I learned a lesson... you never know who you're dealing with.
nothing is as stable as it seems.
be careful.
i guess i don't feel like she's gotten what she deserves yet?
i don't like her for SO many reasons.
her fucking nik in my bed... was just the icing on the cake.
i don't want to look back on my college years & think... how i went through some hell b/c of some bitch.
ok i'm done.
aug 3
whatever.
to think is to cause problems.
i think too much.
about everything.
it holds me back.
I love this song
She puts her lips to a bottle of cola.
I watch the kiss and it turns me on.
It makes me feel as though I am helpless there is nothing else.
She grabs my wrist and leads me through streetlights.
And locks her door behind my back.
Relax, relax and let these taxes of your reflex act.
Sway, so sway. You know you taste so good.
This is the night you are the fire.
Come on, come on, come on.
Sway, so sway.
And we melt into the floor as one.
I grab her hips and pull her in closer.
I close my eyes and it turns her on.
We press our skin and, though it resists, oh I slip inside.
I feel her breath, it slides down my neck
Yeah, yeah, we sweat to the rhythm that we make.
Make love. Hate yourself. But, baby, I'm all yours, yeah.
Sway, so sway. You know you taste so good.
This is the night you are the fire.
Come on, come on, come on.
Sway, so sway.
And we melt into the floor as one.
Make tonight stay. (We turn around again.)
Stay tonight right here. (We turn around again.)
Make tonight stay. (We turn around again.)
Stay tonight right here. (We turn around)
We give it all, we all just fade away.
We give it all, we all just fade away.
We give it all, we all just fade away.
We give it all, we fade away.
sometimes i don't understand anything.
at all.
i feel like an exception to every rule.
different in every situation.
it was very nice to have things to do today.
really nice.
i guess i always say there's something missing... but there is.
i can't figure it out.
i want to be all about a career.
all about a job.
all about something.
but i can't ever find something to be all about.
i can never bring myself to be all about someone.
it's too werid for me.
if someone it too into me it totally scares me away.
either i don't want to work at it, or i'm just not in it.
i like the attention, but once I've had my fill I'm done.
sorry.
i hate that i'm like that. it makes everything difficult.
i'm better at being friends. it's just the way it is.
i can handle hooking up with a friend a lot better than trying to be with someone.
i guess i try to take the easy way out?
commitment... i would be good at, but i can't do it.
i'm so used to being so free willed to do what i want when i want, no one else's feelings envolved.
i am very capable of caring. I'm capable of being there... but I'm better at doing that for people who aren't so "attached" for lack of a better word.
friends... or people who don't care at all.
i'm all backwards & mixed up.
this is about 2 things that have nothing to do with each other.
i'd go in to detail. but it changes nothing.
i'm pretty happy. there's nothing horrible going on.
it's kinda blah.
i've been reflecting on my past.
my actions.
my tendencies.
