confused & torn
I'm torn between who I am, who I want to be, & someone completely different.
I don't know what to do.
there's a guareented job, with more money, and 40hrs
but i want to leave
i'm just know getting my social life back in place
but i want to leave
now i want to get know you more
but i'm already leaving
but then again.... none of those seem right
but i don't want to live here
but I DON'T know why I want to live in charlotte
and now all my plans & backplans are failing
back to the semi orginal?
idk
seems like lately most of my decisions have be bad ones
so what makes leaving the right one
or what makes charlotte the right one
what makes not going to school the right one
i think i'd give anything to go back to school
but
i think i'll appreciate it more if i wait
but everyone says i won't go back
I WILL
idk
idk
idk
then again i don't know what i want to be. i have an idea & means to make it work & i think i have the drive... but then again it's kinda of something not expected of me... but I it would help... but then i can't believe i came up with this idea.
i starve to be good at something.
i'd kill to be great.... if i tried i know i could
but what?
i need a push in some direction
a little guidence
help?
maybe a new idea
and for some reason.....
i really feel the need to get to know you better
why?
idk
why now?
it made me smile
i haven't felt like this in well years.... since i was 18 or so.
wow
LIFE IS GREAT
I am so happy.
really.
<3
I'm enjoying every minute of everyday. the ups & the downs.
I'm ready for what's next. I'm ready to become an adult...(i think)
I'm ready to get my life together. The job, the $$, the school, the career, the dream, the reality)
I'm ok with living with my mom for a month or so.
going to NYC this week reminded me how much fun I can have.
Hanging out with dana makes me happy.
I miss the random fun I used to have with all my friends.
I'm ready to start looking for a job job (not like a retail job)
I'm ready to go to school....(i think)
I'm ready to be this.... to be me.... to get somewhere.
I'm ready to be this great professional, self sufficient, confident, hard working person that so many people see in me.
I'm ready to reach my goals.... well make more goals & reach them all.
I'm ready to be healthy, lose weight, get a job, pay back my loan, got to school, get a career.
I'm going to enjoy every minute left of my younger, less future oriented, non adult self
and I
AM
embracing the new goal oriented, determined, self finding adult I am becoming.
It may not be evident to anyone just yet....
but I feel it.
it's happening
I'm proud.
theres nothing after this.
I'm ruining everything for something i don't like.
I'm not strong enough and all I'm doing is pushing everyone away.
I never talk my family.... friends.... those come on good days.
I don't want to be bitchy and I don't want to be moody.
i think things are broken beyond repair.
nothing & no one.
sorry.
sorry i never call
sorry i'm never happy
sorry i'm always mean.
i've done nothing but fucked up my own life.
I need help.
help with everything.
i just need to know that no matter what happens that there is still someone who cares.
but so how i think there isn't.
I'm too needy.
i fuck everything up.
i don't talk to anyone i know.... except for my roommates and they are sick of me. I would be too. i cry too much and need too much. I'm always crying & up set. I'm always mean.
I talk to dana every once and while.
i should be a hermit. that way no one has to deal with me.
I realized today how insignifcant I am to everything.
for the 20 mins I thought I had seriously failed my class so I wouldn't graduate college.
I realized the world didn't end.
the only thing that's been on my mind is school and money .... GRADUATING.
i realized that the second my world stopped the rest of the world didn't.
this crushing news crushed nothing but me.
which in one way helped me realize that things will continue... no matter what life goes on.
but then I realized how completely unimportant i am.
i've never in my life felt important or cared about.
i realized today how much i do for others. I get such satisfaction out of helping people....
but it hurts to realize that it's hindering my everyday.
I love my friends more than time could ever tell....
but I'm doing with out ...(kind of) when they are doing with extras.
it hurts to know i can't buy gas to get us to school... but they can go to the movies.
I'd never tell them it hurt my feelings b/c i'm glad they went out and had fun.
but i guess they don't realize when I don't have the money to go some where it's b/c i paid their part of a bill or loaned them money.
the excessive niceness will never leave me and may just be my down fall.
it just hurts to feel like you'd give someone the shirt off your back in a blizzard... and you're not sure if they'd do the same.
I love them though. they are all i have and they put up with a lot of shit from me.
i guess we are even.
and it never changes
I'm still scared people don't like me, they are my friend b/c they feel sorry for me.
i hate this constant reassurance I need... b/c it pushes what little bit i have away.
sometimes it feels like some things in life I'll never have.
oh well
that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I want
to be creative.
just do whatever I please.
like just sit in grass and draw & think & make things i like.
I don't like not one thing I make.
idk why?
soon school will be out and everything will be different.
i miss things.
i want thing.
2 weeks.
soon everythig will change
for the better?
