my_lovely_life____haha

WHY???????
WHY DO I EVEN FUCKING TRY!


NOTHING I DO EVER WORKS!!! EVER EVER EVER

NOT EVEN IF IT'S NOT FOR THAT STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 12:19 AM 2 comments

FEEL BETTER GEORGE!!!!



I HATE that I only use the blog when i'm sad.... but my other journal is off limits to emo.. so

man... i can't sleep.
I'm not good at anything... SERIOUSLY. I'm only good at complaining, crying, being said, laughing at things that aren't funny, sleeping and waking brent up for work (& sometimes I'm can't even accomplish that).

I think that's why i try to sleep so much. B/c when I'm sleep I'm unware of the things I suck at, the things that bother, I'm not reminded of things... while I'm asleep... every thing is great!

I'm sooooo boring... gah. I don't really understand why anyone would want me around!

I realized today how bad i feel for messing up brents hair. He got it cut today and man oh man can you tell I can't dye hair. I feel sooooo bad. He says he doesn't care... but...

I feel soooo unhelpful, useless, unneeded,....I feel like I'm a waste.

I couln't even keep on my diet. I was doing good! But today I got a headache & i felt bad. I though maybe it had to do with my sugar levels... so i thought candy would help.
FUCK.... ME!!!!!!

I'm doomed to become fatter...obese and useless......

why am i even around????????????

Brent and cory both said they missed me dearly..... WHY??????????
I'm just not seeing it!

well at least getting this out made me feel a little better...

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 1:23 AM 2 comments

FUN.....& a new out look on life

OH HERE!!!!!!!! OH YEAH PICS OF MY AWESOMELY FUN TIME!!!!!!
my pictures


ok after sooooooo many recent events in my life... Well since the day I went to my home town.
Well I'm not to sure where to start... I'll start off with me... and then go to life in general.

I feel really left out on a lot of things. I feel like some things in life I just didn't get to experience. Now I know I have my whole life to live but I'm talking about things you do when you are a teenager. Next year I'll be 20 and there are many things didn't do. Many things that most other teenagers done well it's hard to explain unless I GO into detail which I don't wish to do so.

(this really isn't following the way I though it would... Oh well)

I DON'T believe in love or monogamous relationships. Yes that sounds odd but I DON'T. After learning some things... I SERIOUSLY DON'T. Love is something humans made up to entertain themselves. They are too caught up in this idea of the made up love crap and trying to find it & make it work. Humans are driving themselves crazy over something that they can't achieve b/c it doesn't exist. I do believe you can love someone. I love my mother. But to be "in love" is another story.

I'm starting to understand more and more about whores. Well people that don't make commitments and just have sex. Like maybe the whores are smarter than the people that believe in love. Like maybe whores know something other people don't know. I guess it doesn't help b/c I'm pretty sure I'm sexually frustrated.

I don't think people can just be with one person... No matter how much they love someone. I think they can make a commitment but it doesn't mean too much. I find that everyone's a liar. Some more than others. I think people can try to be with one person but I have always said "if the opportunity arises and the conditions are right ANYTHING can happen" AND IT'S THE TRUTH. That's been my motto for ever.... since I was like 15.


I'm really confused about some things... LIKE LYING!!!! LIARS
but then I realized all people are liars about one thing or the other.
BUT how can you lie about liking someone... BUT PEOPLE DO IT EVERYDAY
I guess now that I know some very close people to me have done it I realize it's quiet possible.
I don't think I could but maybe so. How can someone just lie about that... But after looking at it from the liars perspective I get it. Either they are too scared, don't want to cause problems, are confused, or trying to get something out of it.

I have found myself being mean. I used to do it all the time. I've had people tell me before that I wouldn't act the way I do if I would get laid. lol :) but that's not why I've been being mean lately. It's very easy to do it when you have someone to be mean with. I DON'T think I will get back into my old habit though. It was fun for a while.

I see things sooo differently now... It's very hard to explain.

Like people say "labels" mean everything , but to me that mean nothing.
to me labels do nothing but cause problems. When you get that label.. It makes people think they can get mad over anything and be mean... And that just causes problems... Labels can just ruin things

I think that maybe people should do what they want with out labels. b/c labels change things, sometimes makes things awkward. So maybe if a guy and a girl have some kind of feelings for each other they can do what they want. If they want to cuddle, hold hands, kiss... Well it's there business.

WELL I GUESS THAT PRETTY MUCH GOES AGAINST SOOOOO MANY THINGS I BELIEVE IN A SAY ALL THE TIME.
this is complicated I guess. B/c NO I really don't like whores.... And I would never want to just sleep with a million people.
casual sex isn't appealing to me... It's gross. I think sex is something to be shared with special people. But then sometimes you just need some. I guess kind of like friends with benefits. You just can't go around kissing cuddling just anyone and everybody. But you can do things with the label messing things up. All of this sounds very contradictory.
so maybe this makes no sense. Maybe it does.

it makes sense to me... But trying me trying to type it out and explain it isn't doing my idea any justice.
maybe you get the drift... Maybe you don't.

THIS IS MY NEW WAY OF THINKING.... So here it is for all to see

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 7:17 PM 2 comments

gah.... I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING.... I DIDN'T

FUCK THIS SHIT.... FUCK IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL


WHAT THE FUCK. I FEEL LIED TO, USED, MANIPULATED.......

I thought ... shit i guess i thought wrong
I expected different... guess this is what i get for thinking

what a fucking reject....loser.....i am ....i could go forever

so many things in my life are going wrong right.... thanks! lets add another

i have so many questions... i want to talk to someone......


i really hope that I only feel lied to and that's it.... i hope i haven't been... but i fear i have





i need to blog more.... more about happy things.... i'll try but right now i don't see it

I need a drink.... many drinks

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 8:31 PM 2 comments