my_lovely_life____haha

i need some attention right now.
really

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 2:23 AM 1 comments

i'm so sick of being disappointed. seriously. i hate that feeling, and i'm over it.
it's lame. i don't have time. really.

i try to be nice. i feel like i am a decent person, but apparently i have done something terribly wrong.
life could be way worse... i really do know that. i am very very appreciative of what i have.
but i'm over it.

something else.
sometimes i honestly want to be a hermit. live alone and see no one.
b/c then i only 100% depend on myself & have to deal with myself.

i miss having someone that understands. i am sick of feeling alone in a room full of people.

i want to just let loose, not care.... and just have fun again. i do have fun. i really love things right now.
but nothing's the same.

but it's like i'm done. i grew up... now this is the rest of my life.
not everyone else.

no one understands. they try & sympathize, but it isn't the same.

everything changes. everyone changes.
i guess i never expected so many close people all at once. but you'd think i'd know by now.
that anyone i am close too.... eventually does a 180 at some point.
i going to try my best to be supportive of these changes. these people have been here for me ... in my lowest & highest.
i feel i owe it to them & myself to try to go at this positively.

good for you.
good for anyone who knows themselves & can/will/or is ready for change.

i want change... i fell stuck.
sometimes i just wish i felt like if i did find the change i feel is necessary... that someone would be there for me.



i'm everyone's best friend. i'm flattered really. i love all my friends... i know of at least 4 or more that would consider me a bff. i honestly can share myself & be that close with that many people. but things change so fast... i just hope that at least one of them can really be there for me.
not in any way do i think they aren't there for me.
but as they change, life changes, people grow.... i hope that i can still have someone.

i have issues. i know. i'm scared to death of being completely alone, but then again i want to be alone b/c i don't think i could put everything into 1 person... bc if that person changed their mind... it could ruin me.
i'm scared that if i feel that i have 1 friend that can be there... then that 1 time i need them the most they won't be there... or out of the blue they'll just be gone.
i think this is why i can't commit to anything. why marrage is so scary.
to need someone is scary.
to need somone and them not be there is even more scary.

i guess the worst part is that everytime a lose someone close i find someone knew. i am an easy person to get along with & i always make new friends.
but i don't meet anyone knew. school & partime jobs have really helped with this.... i meet no new people... & as people in my life may leave i don't an opportunity for new ones to come in.

but i guess the world isn't ending. i'll be fine.

it just seems like everyone is able to grow, change, find new things, find things that make them happy....
i am happy for my friends. really. i love to see my friends happy. but i feel like i do none of the above.
i am okay though. i just feel down sometimes... mostly when i worry about the future.

i am only guaranteed right now. so i'm going to try to just live it up.
i hope to make the summer great.... even if i work a full time job. & most of my friends dont hang out with me.
<3

make things the best you can.

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 12:59 AM 0 comments

4/18/07

today did not go well at all.

i want someone to talk to while i fall asleep
or someone to hold me or cuddle.

that's what i thought about while trying to go to sleep last night....
& right now that would be really nice.


<3

it's just so nice... comforting... safe feeling

i should just change the name of my blog to... lonely. lol
but really the only time i post here is just say that.
i don't post that often.....lol

each time i post.... i always say the same thing. that makes me laugh

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 11:50 PM 0 comments

3/18/07 sunday

something.

no labels
just fun
on the same page
not obsessive
physical
there

i want something with someone... that doesn't have some lame lable or any drama.
just fun.
to be on the same the page. you both have fun together & like each other equally.
someone that doesn't have to spend every waking moment with you.
you have your friends. they have their friends.
you can hang out together , but you're also okay with hanging out separately.
someone to have around when you need someone to care.
someone to go to sleep with... cuddle.
you are both indepenant on your own & fine. but you both care about each other & like spending time together.
someone to to see a few times a week.
somone to share things with.
not very serious.
something drama free
something that can be ended if need be.... & ended on a good note.

or maybe just a friend with benefits.

all of this is very hard. when you hang out with a small group a friends
& are not meeting new people.

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 6:09 PM 1 comments

lame

i'm so lame.
how could i go and ruin the one thing that makes me feel okay about my boring life?
the one thing that seems to make everything go away
not to care
entertains us

wow now what am i to do?
i go & work at a mortgage company all day
i never have anything to talk about but that
blah

spring break woo hoo.
i hope this week is okay
b/c every day it seems more & more like i have nothing in common with my friends
<3 thursday was fun & i should happy not sad

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 9:52 AM 0 comments

the usual

I'm lonely.
it sucks.

i feel like i can't talk to my friends about anything. i feel like they don't understand. or they simple answers to complicated questions .... that just don't fit.

I'm scared.
I'm growing up... i have no clue what to do. this whole tax thing is very scary too me.
all i can think about is how i have to by my house or something.
yes i'd like to stop living is shitty rentals. but i can't afford it.
i feel like I'm being forced into something... kind of.
I'm lost I'm confused.
i don't really have anything to fall back on.
i feel like every decision i make is life changing. like I'm a million point fork in the road & every decision i make pushes me down one road... but if i go that way i can't come back.

i have nothing, no one to help, to fall back on.
my parents can't help me do anything
& my grandparents are too busy helping my parents.
& what in the world will i do when they are gone?

it sucks.
everyday is feels like I'm getting closer to being completely alone.

earlier i just wanted to lay in my bed in cuddle. i was in such a bad mood.
i guess besides my everyday problems I'm scared all my friends will grow up & move on
my family will die. & then i won't have anything.
grandparent's don't last forever & my parents are getting old & are sick

sigh
& i feel like I'm trapped in citi
I'm so scared to not have money, for something to big to happen & lose everything. i think it's bc i here everyday all day long.
i guess i want comfort & security

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 10:32 PM 0 comments

feb 4th

I'm extremely frustrated.
i have no idea why.

it's driving me nuts.
but I'm clueless.

i have no idea.

i;m just irritated

posted by pink_blackbutterfly @ 11:19 PM 0 comments